


hope i'm not around when he gets the idea to buy a gun

by xieagle



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Comforting, Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, M/M, PTSD, Physical Abuse, Self-Harm, and a lot of flashbacks, and michael and calum are six, and so are luke and michael, and then it goes to present-day, and they play a game and something bad happens, anyway ashton and calum are really close now, ashton is seven, based on that's my boy by vast, i'm not going to lie this is going to be dark, just bromances though, luke is five, references to self-harm and abuse, so basically they all start out as friends, so they get separated, there probably won't be any real happiness for a while
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-06
Updated: 2015-08-26
Packaged: 2018-02-28 07:48:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2724416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xieagle/pseuds/xieagle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They started as friends. Neighbors. All four of them. That is, until it was all lost one night after a simple game. Ashton was supposed to be in charge. Luke was supposed to be <i>right</i> behind him. Calum was supposed to stay with Michael. Michael was supposed to stay with Calum.<br/>But sometimes things just don't go according to plan. After that, nothing will remain the same. </p><p>Where Ashton and Calum are roommates and go to uni, haunted at night by dreams of their past. Luke and Michael are trying to make it work in a world that is all too harsh. To muddle through, they've all done things they wish they hadn't and have to suffer the consequences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone. So this is a new fanfic that I came up with. It was inspired by the song That's My Boy by VAST.  
> This is going to be something very dark and probably long, if it goes out as I expect it will.  
> It will be triggering, so please do not read if you will be triggered by self-harm, abuse, or things of the like. I will give warnings, but, I am not interested in sugar-coating anything. So please keep that in mind.

It was a Saturday when it all happened.

A shock of honey-colored hair was the first thing Calum saw when he opened his front door. Normally his mum said not to open the door to just _anyone_ , but this was Ashton. Ashton wasn't just anyone. That had been evident from when they had first met, just at the start of Calum's memory. He could still clearly remember looking up at the older boy, who said that he was going to be six in two months. And Calum remembers having to tilt his head back to look at the older boy, eyes widened in amazement. 

After that, he had soon met two other boys, who happened to be his other neighbors. Luke and Michael. From then on out, there had just been the four of them, and that was that.

Luke lived directly across the street from Calum. His blue eyes were always wide with wonder and he had quite a tendency to follow Ashton around. 

Ashton, in turn, always made sure to include Luke in everything he did. Ashton lived in the house to the right of Calum's own. Being the oldest, he was considered the leader of the small group of small boys. Not that the other three minded. He was eldest, and was _obviously_ the one with the most intelligence, so it had been settled simply. Besides, he always had good ideas for games.

Then there was Michael. He lived in the house to the left of Calum's own home. Together, they had a bond of friendship to balance out what Luke and Ashton had. There just always had to be balance, or everything could and would go wrong.

Anyway, when Calum opened his front door, he had to blink his eyes several times. There stood Ashton in all of his seven-year-old glory. Dimples popped craters into his cheeks, and he held Luke's hand with one of his own. "C'mon, Cal. Let's go play," was all he said. Without even bothering to ask his mum if it was okay if he could go, he just smiled in return and nodded, closing the door quietly and trailing behind the other boys on the way to Michael's. 

After rounding up Michael in a similar fashion, the four children made their way around the block, cutting across one of their neighbor's back lawns to make it into the small park. 

All in all, it was not the best park. Michael always complained that it smelt bad - like dog poop and sweat - and Luke always seemed to be tripping over trash. The only two swings were broken, and the slide reeked of smoke and something else not even Ashton could describe. Despite how pitiful the playground was, however, the rest of the area opened up into a field, rounded with trees. Roads bordered the entire park as well, making it surprising that there never seemed to be anyone actually at the park. 

"Okay," Ashton spoke at last, one hand still holding Luke's, while his other reached out around the chain of one of the broken swings. They stood in the middle of the playground, the sun slowly dipping down the sky, but they paid it no mind. Luke's wide blue eyes were fixated on Ashton, as if waiting for some genius statement to come from his mouth. 

"What are we doing, Ashy?" the blonde finally asked, earning a dimpled smile. 

"We're going to play a game," came the declaration. "A new game that I came up with."

"What is it?" This time it was Michael that spoke, barely able to contain the excitement that bubbled inside of him at the idea of a game.

"Well, we have to break up into teams first. So it'll be me and Lukey; and you and Cal." Nods all around. That was how they normally split themselves. 

It was only Luke that first seemed to notice _it_ He spoke his thoughts out loud, the five year old boy's blue eyes curious and innocent. "Hey, Ashy, it's a van."

Ashton, though, was still talking, and for what must have been the first time, did not hear Luke. Nor did Calum, nor Michael. 

"-and we'll run along the road first, and you count to ten, and then chase us-" 

Luke's hand clutched tighter to Ashton's, no longer paying attention to the boy that was talking. His eyes were focused elsewhere, in the direction of the far corner of the field, where shadows seemed to engulf the grass and the road that edged it. 

"-and if you catch us, you win. If we make it here without you tagging us, we win. And the losers have to spin around ten times and-" Ashton continued, still steadily holding the attention of the other boys. 

Finally, when the plan was figured out, they broke into their two teams. Luke's eyes finally settled back on Ashton, and a small smile tugged at his lips at the boy's voice. "Just stay right behind me, and we'll be fine. We can get through this, okay? You're strong and fast, Lukey." 

Meanwhile, Michael and Calum judged the distance of the field with their eyes, the latter just barely picking up on a simple statement. "As long as we stay together, we'll be fine, yeah?" 

Calum nodded with a smile. "Yeah." 

\-- 

It was only minutes later that Ashton and Luke started running, the pair of blondes managing quite a fair distance at the ten-second mark. Luke made sure to follow what Ashton had said. To stay right behind him. 

When Michael and Calum began their pursuit, it was evident that Luke was slowing a bit. For his age, Luke certainly wasn't big, and he was growing tired fast, struggling to stay with the eldest. In his struggle, just as they round through the corner, the blonde tripped over a tree root, and was sent sprawling. Though unhurt, he found himself on his bum in the shadows. 

Everything after came fast. So, _so_ fast, as Ashton and Calum would recite through uncontrolled sobs to the local police officers. 

Ashton had been quick to notice the lack of the other boy, and came to a halt, scared that Luke had actually been hurt. At first, all he could make out was the other two approaching fast, along with Luke's outline mingling in the shadows. Another figure, though, appeared out of the liquid darkness as the sun finally shone it's last light, giving way to twilight. The first star was just starting to shine overhead when the figure seemed to consume Luke, who let out a shriek of fear and shock as to what had grabbed him. Ashton had been able to make out his own name before the boy disappeared from sight, into what he would later decide was indeed a van. The next sound he heard had been Michael. Though Ashton hadn't witnessed it, it would seem that he was grabbed by another man of shadow just seconds after Luke, as Calum would recount. 

The screech of tires signaled the end of their game. The end of their fun. 

The end of their knowledge as to where Luke and Michael were. 

The end of hope for ever knowing who would have won. 

As the police had said, they had been kidnapped. 

They had also whispered to the boys' parents that nothing would be the same for them ever again. 

On both accounts, they were completely and utterly correct. 

Five weeks later a double funeral was held to mourn the loss of Michael Clifford and Luke Hemmings. They were considered dead by all except their broken families and a pair of boys that had seen it all, had been helpless to held, and had made it out alive. 


	2. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a slow chapter, my apologies  
> this does now take place in present day  
> flashbacks and dreams are in the italics  
> enjoy~

Blue had been Ashton's favorite color from an early age. He could vividly remember lying on his back in the grass with Calum, his best friend. The sun would warm their faces as they would remain for hours, just talking and hanging out under the blue sky. There was also less memorable times. Like in school, Ashton would insist to use a blue highlighter instead of the yellow one. Not because he didn't like yellow; blue was his favorite color. 

It was always a welcoming color. Some have made claims that green is a positive color. From what Ashton was studying in university - psychology - he knew that this was, in fact, correct. Blue, though, had always drawn his eye in a way that red never could. It was a peaceful and tranquil color, and yet could be seen as depressing as well. 

For Ashton, blue was everything. It drew his eye. It made him feel peaceful and powerful at the same time. It caused his heart rate to raise. And so much more. 

Most importantly, though, was how often it haunted him. Like a ghost. 

\--

_Calum could feel his heart rate pick up drastically. Everything he was surrounded by was dark. Liquid black was all he knew. That, and the erratic beating of his heart that screamed at him._

_To fight._  
 _To hide._  
To save. 

_Save? Save who?_

_Save who from what?_

_He didn't know._

_All he knew was the terror that filled him._

_And suddenly, it came to a climax, and a loud noise filled his ears. A noise that screamed his name. All of his senses on fire, Calum fought against the racket and voices that the first had been joined by. Like a child's choir gone wrong. Again it beckoned to him, yelling and pleading for him to just_ stop. _He felt himself hit something solid, and heard movement as an attacker drew back. This time on the offense, Calum fought once more, hearing the crack of skin against skin._

Then, eternal darkness was replaced with light. And there stood Ashton, eyes glassy from tears left unspilled, a red mark appearing on his cheek that had not been present the night before. The room was silent and still, save for the rise and fall of their chests and flutter of eyelids. There were no words to be said. No apologies to be shared. They each knew what the other was thinking. This hadn't been the first time in the past thirteen years that Calum had suffered a nightmare and had wound up striking at his best friend. 

They both knew it wasn't healthy. That Calum hardly ever felt like he slept, or how frequently Ashton spilled his own blood. It was just how they lived though. 

It was the only way they knew how to live.

\--

It had only taken a few minutes for the pair of boys to straighten themselves out. For Calum to wipe away two tear tracks from his cheeks and for Ashton to take a packet of ice to his own face. 

Normally they lived normally. Sometimes, though, there was no normal in sight. Today just appeared to be one of those days. 

Staring into a bowl of cereal each, the conversation they held was very lacking and flat.

"What time is your class?"  
"Four hours. Yours?"  
"Three."  
"Oh."  
"Yeah."  
"Do you want to get lunch together before you have to go?"  
"Okay."  
"Yeah."

It was only after that pitiful exchange that Ashton seemed to come to some enlightenment, pushing back his now-empty bowl. "I dream of them too, sometimes."

Calum just stared at him for a long moment, spoonful of milk and soggy cereal balancing precariously in his fingertips from where it was halted on its way to his mouth. Placing it back down, he followed suit and pushed his bowl away from himself. "I know that. You think I don't?"

"I know you do," came the answer, the elder not missing a beat. 

"Then I don't seen the problem."

An exasperated sigh. "I never said there was a problem, Cal."

A duplicate sigh came from the other side of their small, square table. Their apartment seemed too small sometimes. Of course, they loved each other. They were like brothers, always looking out for one another. They got along far more often than not. There were, of course, times, though, that uni got to be a lot. That Calum would get annoyed at Ashton's habits and the other way around. They always made it work out, though. That was the point, after all. Working through things made them stronger.

"I still don't get what you're trying to say, then," Calum answered at last, sounding more confused than defensive. He was tired and cranky. He was in no mood to play games with his friend, or try to work out some vague message.

Ashton was silent for a long while, hazel eyes intent on a spot on the table. When he did speak, it was quiet. "Forget it. It's nothing." Before Calum could argue, he was up, grabbing the ice pack and retreating into the kitchen once more. "I'm going to get ready for class and head to the library. I forgot that I wanted to read something over for a lecture."

With that, he was gone, leaving Calum to scrape his cereal into the garbage and wash the dishes himself, the silence slowly turning him deaf.

\--

Greenday blasted in Ashton ears as he turned the page of his textbook. The sound of the world outside of his table was blocked out completely. Just as he preferred it. 

For a moment, he closed his eyes, one hand reaching up to his head to massage his temple. He had been reading the same page for the past three hours, and just wanted to sleep. That, or have a movie marathon with Calum as they normally did on Fridays, after they were both out of their classes for the day. He knew Calum wouldn't be back until after seven. Which, he figured, would give him enough time to run to a nearby store, and pick up a few movies and snacks. Despite their argument, movie night was a tradition and had been ever since... well, it was a tradition. One not so easily broken. A fight could do nothing to hinder such an important weekly event.

Glancing down at his phone to check the time, Ashton figured that he might as well start heading to his class, which was a few building down. Slinging his backpack over one shoulder and tucking his book under the same arm, he slipped his phone into the pocket of his ripped jeans. It wouldn't take more than ten minutes to make it to his class, and at that rate he would have to be crawling. 

Humming along once he was outside, Ashton took to the sidewalk, eyes trailing up to the sky, which displayed a lovely shade of blue. Immediately, he felt lifted and his step seemed to gain from the change in mood. 

Pushing open the door to his classroom only moments later, the curly-haired boy was quick to take his usual seat and pull out a pen and his notebook. His professor walked in as he did so, and offered him a greeting he quickly returned with his usual smile. The one that reached his eyes and made his dimples pop.

"How are you today, Ashton?" the professor asked. His hair was receding and as pure a white as any snow Ashton had ever seen in any picture and his face held a pair of blue eyes that Ashton found beyond interesting any time he saw them. Dr. Gilroy was his name, but he had insisted on the first day that he just be addressed as James, his first name. He was by far Ashton's favorite professor, and his class - psychology - was also the boy's favorite. There never seemed to be a dull moment.

"I'm good, sir. Yourself?"

"Can't complain. Though I am quite a bit tired," came the answer, paired with a yawn as if to make the point ever more clear.

Ashton tilted his head to one side. "Didn't get much sleep?"

"Sadly not, I was working on a new project I'll be assigning your class today."

What little bit of attention Ashton had that hadn't be locked on the other person in the room seemed to immediately right its wrong. "May I ask what it is?"

"You'll be finding out in an hour, Ashton," James argued through a chuckle, hands organizing several papers that Ashton assumed to be what held their current point of discussion.

"Can you please just tell me? I'm already really excited," he insisted bashfully, a smile lighting once more when the older man finally nodded with another chuckle, passing a paper to his student and giving a brief explanation in the time that spanned until the rest of the class began to arrive. When they were no longer alone, Ashton gave his biggest smile of the day thus far, ideas already swimming through his mind. "This was a great idea, sir."

A wink was his only reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are greatly appreciated  
> my tumblr is xieagle


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for physical and emotional abuse, as well as mentions and allusions to sexual abuse  
> this is the last bit i had pre-written, so updates will be a bit slower from here on out  
> otherwise, enjoy~

_The lighting in the room was nonexistent, the concrete floor cold and just as unwelcoming in the darkness, when Michael awoke from his nightmare into reality. He wished so much more for it to be the other way around. His nightmares would at least end, and he wasn't sure if he could say the same for his reality. As for the monsters, while they haunted both his dreams and waking world, he'd far rather the ones with sharp and glinting teeth. Not the ones with rough hands and harsh voices that constantly tormented him._

_Not just him, though. Both fortunately and unfortunately, he wasn't alone._

_Luke._

_Where was he?_

_Tentatively, he dared to speak, body trembling as he fought to sit up. "Luke?" Each and every of his muscles ached, and the noise seemed too loud, his voice too rough from lack of use that didn't count screams and sobs._

_From the world above, he could barely make out a sound of movement, the floorboards creaking. By instinct alone, he moved back, away from the direction he knew the door was. One of his hands bumped something, and cold water splashed over the raw skin of his wrist and hand. So, that was where there water had been placed. He had been looking for it the night before._

_Pushing the thought away, though, he squinted his eyes as a slice of light broke through the space of the basement. Though he couldn't make out much, Michael could now see that he had indeed bumped the bowl of water they had been given two or three days earlier. His shirt was dirty and stained with what appeared to be rust, though he knew better. His fingernails were bitten to the quick and outlined by dried blood. The ground, too, was stained, and there seemed to be a trail that led to the door that had now been opened.  
_

_Within seconds, a familiar scream of fear sounded, quickly to be muffled into nothingness._

_Luke._

_Michael fought the instinct to protect the younger boy. They had tried already, and knew by now that it would only lead to worse. They were too weak. Their morale too low. All they knew was the darkness of the basement, the company of each other and the stray bug or rat, and the feeling of pain to one extent or another._

_In the beginning they had counted the days. Awaiting rescue. Then they were counting weeks. Then months. Then years. By the time they had given up, they had counted about three years, give or take.  
_

_There was a hollow thud and a grunt of pain as Luke hit the hard ground, recovering relatively quickly and backing away on all fours from the figure that now blocked out majority of the light with his broad shoulders. An intimidating expression crossed his face, and he glowered down at the two young boys when they came together, Michael looking up at him while Luke let out a whimper of pain and collapsed into the elder's arms. The blonde's blue eyes were closed tightly, and his ankle seemed to be twisted at an awkward angle. Michael could just barely make out what the boy whispered from the booming voice that sounded, making them wince together, as if one being in fear and agony._

_"Well, Luke, last night was lots of fun. Wouldn't you say?" Another whimper was the man's only answered, and in turn he smirked once more, hands moving down to his pair of dirty jeans. His fingers fastened the button before slowly moving to adjust his belt properly. "Michael, don't you worry, we'll have plenty of time together later. I've got a few ideas. Hope that's okay with you?"_

_Though the topic was certainly not one that was up for discussion, Michael couldn't stop the single word that fell from his lips, making Luke and the man tense. "No."_

_A step forward into the darkness only added onto the affirmation that what he had done was not going to end well. "What did you say, boy?"_

_'Nothin', sir. 'm sorry," he answered quickly, voice higher than normal. Fingers curled around the collar of Michael's shirt and dragged him up onto his thin and bony legs - which shook from fear._

_"No, tell me what you said," came the spitting reply, making the boy in his grip flinch, yet remain silent. The crack of a hand meeting Michael's face rang out, and then he was thrown harshly to the ground, also earning a kick to the ribs. A sob escaped the boy's lips, and silent tears streamed down freely. His ribs already ached with each breath before another kick came, sending him sprawling and gasping for the air that had been knocked out of his frail body._

_Then came the slam shut of the door, plunging the boys into pure darkness once more. Thy could hear the key being twisted in the lock, followed soon by the slam of the front door. Then silence._

_Finally, it was broken by a quit question. "Did you mean it - what you said before?" Michael asked, wheezing slightly and eyes shut tightly._

_"What d'you mean?"_

_"Did he... touch you... where he said he would?"_

_Silence answered more than words ever could hope to._

_"First time?"_

_"Yeah."_

_Silence stretched out between them once more._

_"Luke?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"We're going to get out of here. I promise."  
_

\--

Footsteps coming into the main room of the small apartment alerted Luke to Michael. From where he was standing by the couch, blue eyes were drawn upward from where he had been packing his bag for the night. Night was falling quickly, and still only the moon was lighting the sky. Not a star came into view. 

"Hey Mikey," he greeted when his friend came to a stop only a handful of feet away. He was dressed in his simple button-up and black pants that he wore for work. He returned to what he was doing, absently running a hand through his blonde hair. 

"Hey, Luke. You going out tonight?"

The blonde nodded, remaining silent, knowing what was coming next. "I don't think you should." Right on cue.

Grimacing, he sighed deeply. "I know, I know. It's dangerous. But we need stuff. You know we do. No offense, but working at that strip club doesn't get us all of the money we need." Luke could feel the familiar green eyes boring into his head, as if getting a look into his mind, and he looked up once more, zippering the backpack and snatching up a nearby hoodie. 

Michael closed his eyes and breathed deeply through his nose, nodding once. "You're right. But... at least it's something. I'm sure that if you got a job, we could make enough..." Swallowing thickly, he trailed off. Neither of the boys were particularly stupid. They knew he was lying through his teeth. "I just don't want you to get hurt, okay?"

"Michael, I know. I'll be fine. Now go, you're going to be late to work," Luke argued, a slight smile playing on his lips. He knew quite a few things that he had picked up over the years. Firstly, was that he happened to be very good at what he did. Secondly, was that Michael was too scared to be fired to be late. Thirdly, was that Michael, in fact, did not work at a strip club. He just liked teasing his friend that he did. He was more than aware that a bar and a strip club wasn't the same thing, though the first time he had gone to visit his friend, it had not appeared to be strictly a bar as he had assumed. No, not when some random guy was so drunk that he got up on one of the tables and began dancing. 

Damn that guy had had good hips.

"I'm going, relax. Swing by when you're done, let me know you're still sucking air?" The question, though posed as one, was not entirely a question. It was something that happened every time Luke went out and Michael was working. After so long, it was more tradition than not to ask. Micheal just wanted to make sure his best friend was okay, and Luke liked hanging out. Michael normally seemed as close to his best as he could be on a daily basis at his job. He liked it, and Luke liked seeing him happy. 

"Just as long as no one starts dancing again. I'm not a fan of strippers."

"It's not a strip club, Lucas!"

\--

Michael left the small apartment before Luke did, having checked that his wallet - though it rarely held anything - and his phone - though very old and very shitty - were both stashed in his pockets, along with his keys to their residence. Luckily, the bar was only several blocks away. It served all of the age to drink, though it held majority of its consumers in the college kids from the university nearby. When they had settled down, both boys had considered finding out some way to possibly get themselves some sort of education one way or the other. It, though, seemed unlikely to ever happen, and they hadn't talked about it since. They were too busy trying to make sure they kept the apartment they had, and stayed as far under the radar as possible.

When he arrived, Michael pushed the door of the bar open, having spared a nod and smile at the guard that stood outside. Within minutes he was wiping glasses and pouring drinks, music filling his ears relentlessly. The bar was surprisingly empty, most of the young people seeming to be on the dance floor or standing and talking to friends. 

The bartender had been so preoccupied not paying attention, that he almost didn't notice when a boy took a seat at the bar, the blonde streaks in his otherwise dark hair standing out quite nicely. A scowl was the expression he wore, and Michael took a moment to let the guy relax at least slightly before going over. "Hi, what can I get you?"

Brown eyes met Michael's green ones and for a moment something seemed to click between them. Then it was over as the guy looked away with a slight shake of his head. "Can I just chill here for a minute?" he asked, one eyebrow quirked, though he stared down at his hands, which rested on the bar. 

Instead of answering, Michael asked his own question, seeing as the bar was otherwise empty. And he wasn't keen on standing nearby like an idiot when this guy obviously had something on his mind. "Are you okay?"

Resting his chin in the palm of his hand, the tanned boy shook his head once. "I don't even know why I'm here. I'm normally watching movies with my friend, and now I'm doing I don't even know what."

"So what's wrong?"

For a moment, nothing was said. Brown eyes stared up at him again, and it was Michael that looked away. "Do you ever have nightmares that you swear are too real and make you feel... genuine fear?" When Michael said nothing, the boy stood up and nodded once. Before Michael could say anything, he started walking away, halted only once when the bartender did find his voice.

"Wait."

"Yeah?"

"I'm Michael."

An unreadable expression crossed the boy's face and he nodded once. "Calum."

And then he was gone, leaving Michael alone at the bar once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are appreciated  
> my tumblr is xieagle


	4. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for the support everyone, both on here and on tumblr, it means so much!  
> this is unbeta'd, so my apologies for any errors, but i wanted to get this up, as it may be the last update for a few days   
> but here's chapter three, enjoy~

_"I'll let you go, but you've got to promise me one thing." Green eyes were locked with blue ones, as if in a battle of wills. Luke stood with his arms crossed over his chest, looking up at his best friend._

_"I won't make any promises, you know that," he answered at last, his arms moving down to his sides, hands burrowing into the depths of his pockets. His tone was heavily frustrated, and had it been anyone other than Michael, odds are that the younger boy would have stormed away long ago._

_"Just don't... don't be stupid, and come back."_

_At that, both sides seemed to lose hostility and frustration. For a moment, they both seemed to be on equal standings and of equal understanding._

_"Yeah, okay," Luke answered at last._

_For a moment Michael opened his mouth. To argue again. To tell Luke that he shouldn't go out onto the streets. Sure, he had played a part in the plan, but now that it was actually happening... he was scared. Later he would come to regret this choice. This choice to stay silent. For now, though, all he did was share a brief hug with the blonde and watch as he walked out of the door on onto the street before disappearing when he turned a corner.  
_

\--

After the class had finished, Ashton packed his books back into his bag and pulled the zipper closed. Already he was going over a mental check-list of snacks to buy for the night. He knew that he had a fair amount of money in his wallet, and could buy a month's supply of junk food - though it wouldn't last the weekend, as past experiences had shown - and he intended to do as such. Just a bag of popcorn was not going to suffice on a regular Friday, and especially not after one of their small fights. Ashton would have to actually try to pick out something good if he wanted to ensure that Calum would relax. Cuddles and candy might just do it.

Getting up at last, Ashton slung his bag over one shoulder and offered a good-bye to Dr. Gilroy. "Have a good night, James. And get some sleep!" A chuckle and a return of the departing words accompanied Ashton out of the classroom as the boy texted Calum, asking what movies he might want Ashton to pick up for the night.

\--

When Luke left the small apartment, only a short flight of stairs and the front door of the complex separated him from the outside world, and these barriers were soon passed. His backpack was light on his shoulders; empty save for a bottle of water - only filled halfway - and a screwdriver. A pocket knife was also making a residence in the zippered front pocket of his sweatshirt, and when his fingers brushed against the object, a wave of relief passed through Luke. He would be fine. Just fine. 

Sure, he would be meeting up with people that carried far worse with them, but so far he had had next to no problems with them. Of course he would be just fine. 

He already had a good idea as to where he would be going, as well as the quickest way there and back, and any spots to hide out in the case something went wrong. Not that he was scared it would, obviously, but Michael had made him take precaution. Swallowing the lump that forced in his stomach, Luke headed down the street, ignoring those he passed on the way. None of them were his prey. Not tonight, at least. 

After walking for nearly ten minutes at a fairly fast pace, Luke finally arrived at a small drug store. "Small" in this case, was a relative term. Compared to a small-town drug store, it was massive. In comparison to others in the city, though, it was small. Thus, that was how Luke thought of it. Small.

After flashing one of his perfected smiles to the girl that stood at the front desk, Luke glanced about subtly while he moved through the isles. _Perfect,_ he thought to himself after his quick assessment. _No cameras._ This was going to be easy. 

As far as the blonde was aware, there was only one other person in the store - not counting the girl at the front, who had her nose buried in a magazine, completely unsuspecting. He was at the other side of the store, and seemed to be looking very intently at packets of candy. Blue eyes rolled before focusing back on what he had come for. 

When he finally arrived at the correct isle, he spared a quick glance at the others before smiling secretly. Yes, this was too easy. His fingers itched and adrenaline pumped through his veins. He would be okay. He wouldn't be caught. He would get the pills to the dealer. He would be _fine._

Several boxes of mild painkillers were stuffed into his bag successfully before he allowed himself to take a breath. Another glance around assured him that he had not been caught. That is, until he became aware that the other boy had moved from the candy, and now was only down the isle, lips pursed tightly and eyebrows furrowed together. _He didn't see anything. Just go._ A shaky inhale did nothing to settle Luke's nerves. 

It was only when he was a block away that he was able to breathe properly. He took a brief moment to check that he had enough. He counted five boxes of the non-prescription painkillers, and could only hope that it would be enough. Going back and getting caught was not a part of his plan. 

Too soon, though, he realized that he had let his guard down too soon. A shout had him sprinting off like a startled deer, and he could only pray that the crowd would help him get away. As he ran, one hand dug into his sweatshirt pocket and pulled out his source of relief.

\--

Standing in the middle of the drug store, Ashton stood with two different bags of candy in either hand. He had been in the store for far too long to pick out a few candies. Huffing, he spoke quietly to himself as the bell above the door rang, signalling that someone had entered. Feeling his phone buzz in his pocket, signalling a text, the boy picked a bag of gummy worms randomly before looking at his text. 

**From: Hoodster  
 **Sent: 7:13PM  
**** gonna be late getting home don't wait up! start w/o me!

Pushing his phone back into his pocket, Ashton hummed thoughtfully to himself. He was in a drug store, after all. He might as well pick up a box of aspirin for the apartment. Last time he had checked, they were running low. It couldn't hurt, after all. So, with his bags of candy in hand, he headed to the other side of the store and into an isle where a blonde boy was standing. He had passed the desired item on the way in, and knew that the supply was untouched. So, of course there had to be plenty to choose from. After a moment of searching, the blonde boy left the store without paying, and Ashton successfully found what he was looking for. As he grabbed a box, though, he noticed that several were missing. No one had been in the store besides said blonde between when Ashton had passed before and this particular moment. 

As the red light went off in his head, he knew something had to be done. Stealing was not something he could appreciate, and something he would not condone.

For one reason or another, though, his mind nagged him against telling the girl as he practically shoved money in his direction to pay for what he held in his hands, absently telling her to keep the change whilst shoving everything into his bag before taking off in the way he figured the blonde had gone.

Moving by hope and instinct alone, it was only down the block that he spotted the blonde, and he raised his voice in a hope to get him to stop. "Hey!" he shouted, only to take off after the boy when the chase began. 

Hope nearly disappeared completely as he pursued the thief into a crowd, though the boy's height made it easy to pick him out, and when he broke away to turn into an alley, Ashton was only several feet away. 

Once he turned the corner though, was Ashton aware that he had made no plan as to what he was going to do. He pondered this as he turned down into the alley, the air around him dark and empty. 

That is, until he could make out the faint glimmer of metal, and a voice, matching the form of the blonde he had been following. "Back up and go away," was all the voice said, but when matched with the sharpened metal, it made the curly-haired lad's blood run cold, and no words could find a way to escape his throat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are greatly appreciated   
> my tumblr is xieagle


	5. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> reposted after i noticed a few typos, my apologizes.   
> trigger-warning for the first bit  
> otherwise, enjoy~

_Ashton's form was tucked in the corner of the bathroom floor. The room was near immaculate, looking just as brand new as the curly-haired boy's new key to the apartment he had moved into with his best friend._

_Calum had gone out a hour or two earlier, saying he needed to go out to the library for an "emergency study session" for an exam the next day, and would be too distracted inside the apartment._

_Being alone, though, had never been good for Ashton. His head liked to play with him too much. Demons had been swirling about for years upon years now, and always screamed for the one way to be released. Told the boy that there was only one way he could and would ever find relief._

_Already, crimson was beginning to drip down his forearm as music echoed through the otherwise empty apartment. It filled his ears, harmonized with the small whimpers that left his mouth, and seemed to beat in rhythm to the way his tears dripped down his face._

_Evils were heard like soft whispers for Ashton and only Ashton to hear. That he was helpless. Useless. Insignificant. That the world would be better off without him. That his family would be better and more complete without him. That Calum would be happier if he had never been born. That the other two from all those years ago would still be alive had it not been for him._

_It was his fault. Everyone else had done all they could. Sent out search parties to find the boys - alive or dead. Yet, what did he do? Nothing. Watched as they both slipped away._

_Angrily, he sliced into his skin again and again. Dressed in only a pair of boxers, his face was blotchy and near expressionless, watching the blood drip and gather into a small puddle._

_You were the leader, he told himself. The oldest. They looked up to you. You should have done something._

_He wished he could argue. That he was too young. Too naive. That it wasn't his fault._

_But just as he hadn't been able to save his friends all those years ago, Ashton wasn't able to fight against the thoughts._

_By the time he had finished taking the blade to his own arm, the boy had begun to lull into a slight dullness. His eyes were half-closed, eyelids looming to pull down like a curtain and pull him down forever. He had been faintly aware of several texts appearing on his phone screen, and possibly a call or two, but had made no move to see who it could be, let alone try to answer back. Instead, he rested his head back against the wall, wishing that maybe he'd be lucky and that he could be free. Then he could tell Luke and Michael he was sorry. Sorry for everything he had and hadn't done._

_"Ashton!" A shout, followed by the jiggling of the doorknob. "Open the door, Ash!" A pound._

_It sounded familiar. Like Ashton should know who was trying to get through to him. If only he could remember._

_"Ashton, I'm going to break it down. P-please, Ash, let me in." The voice cracked, as if it was crying. Had Ashton done something wrong?_

_Probably, he thought bitterly, pulling his knees against his chest._

_A moment passed. Two. Three. Then came a final warning, though this one sounded muffled from more than just the door. Had someone stuffed cotton into Ashton's ears?_

_The doorknob jingled again as Calum managed to find a coin and work it in. Mali-Koa, his genius of a sister, had shown him many years back, and he was lucky he had remembered it, if his hunch was correct. A sigh passed through his lips, though the relief was not present when he saw his best friend of over a decade, curled tightly into a ball._

_Both fortunately and unfortunately, they had gone through his many times before, though this was by far Calum had seen the other lad since the first. "Hey, babe," he murmured softly, walking over to Ashton and swatting down, his brown eyes focused on clouded hazel ones. "Hey, Ash, I need you to stay with me, okay?" A slow nod, as if the words weren't fully processed._

_Calum swallowed the panic that threatened to rise when he assessed the damage done from up close. He just couldn't at the moment. He had to be the strong one. For Ashton, who was always strong when he woke up with a nightmare. Grabbing Ashton's phone and a towel from the counter, the tanned boy knelt down again, pressing the towel to Ashton's forearm tightly, to slow the rate of blood flow._

_"Cal?"_

_"Yes, baby?"_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"I know, honey. Just relax and stay with me, okay?"_

_"Yeah, okay."  
_

\--

Calum really needed a car, he decided, as he walked down the shadowed street. His sweatshirt was hugged tightly around himself, though it did little to shelter him from the wind. "Fuck this," he muttered. 

Honestly, he knew what he had done thus far in the night. He'd gone to a bar. What he wasn't sure was _why_. He should have been with Ashton, being stupid and watching movies equally as stupid. That was just their thing.

He had been upset, sure. Still rather upset about his dream earlier and the small... whatever it was, that had passed between the kiwi and the other lad. He loved Ashton, but... sometimes the lad was too much to handle. Sometimes he needed to clear his head. 

Something had drawn his to the bar. And the bartender. Calum had not a fleeting idea of what had happened. _It's nothing._ Right. Nothing.

With that forceful though, he turned down a street, keeping to the sidewalk and heading towards the building he lived in. 

\--

When Calum first opened the door, he had been expecting nearly anything except silence. Perhaps a loud movie or music playing. Or the sound of Ashton's voice as he spoke too himself too-loudly, or his giggle when he realized that yes, he had indeed been speaking out loud.

Yet, there was nothing. Absolute silence. 

And if that didn't worry Calum, then nothing did. "Ashton?" he called out, wincing at the slight echo that seemed to reign over the entire space. Still, he tried again, "Ashton?" Still nothing. 

Worry clouded further into his mind, and instantly he found himself en route to the bathroom. No light spilled from underneath the door crack, and that only worried the boy more. "Ash?" Nothing. A shaky hand wrapped around the doorknob, and his breath caught in his throat when the room was empty. And while he was thankful, he only worried more. 

Where was his kangaroo of a friend?

Suddenly, as if on a silent cue, his phone rang in his pocket, making him jump. However, he allowed himself to relax when he pulled the device out and hit the 'answer' button, pressing it to his ear. "Hey, Ash, where the fu-"

"Uhm, hi, I'm sor-"

"Who the fuck are you?" Calum asked, his blood running cold once more. 

"I'm Luke. Are you Calum?"

"Where's Ashton?" he demanded, ignoring the prior question.

The other male on the line went silent for a moment, breathing only barely audible. "That's what I called about. I saw you were his most recent and common contact called and thought that-"

"What did you do with my friend?" Calum questioned, his free hand curled tightly into a fist. He was in no mood for playing games, or to hear a stranger ramble.

"Something happened. I think he's fine but-"

"You think?" 

This time a bit of irritation flowed through the other line. "Did I stutter? Just meet me at the corner of Fourth and Twenty-seventh. By the closed dollar store."

And with that, the called was ended, and only seconds later the door slammed shut and was locked as Calum took off at a run. He had about fifteen blocks to go, and someone was going to pay if Ashton was hurt. 

No. Not again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all comments and likewise appreciated greatly  
> find me on tumblr as xieagle


	6. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally an update !!  
> i hope to start weekly updates, as i'm finally feeling better and test week is over.  
> so yeah, fingers crossed that that works out.  
> oh, and chapters will start to be a bit longer now, as stuff will start to happen, along with quite a few flashbacks and all that fun stuff.  
> this is unedited, so all errors are my own.

When Ashton finally came to, the first thing he saw was a pair of blue eyes staring at him from above. For a moment, in his daze, they appeared to be suspended in thin air, as if by wires. Light in the middle of the dark.

A pair of blue stars. 

The next thing he became aware of was the splitting pain in the back of his head. 

He was lying on his back, his limbs sprawled this way and that. His head throbbed painfully, and he knew for a fact that it was no bad hangover. No, this was different. 

"Hey, you're awake," said a voice, and the blue stars fell closer to the earth and to Ashton. It was then that he realized that the same boy who had held him back with a knife was also now crouched beside him. "I called your friend a minute ago and he said-"

"What the fuck did you do to me?" Ashton demanded, voice laced with what was supposed to be venom, bu instead came out as cracking pain. Obviously from whatever had happened to his head to make him feel like some little league team had practiced on him like he was the baseball.

"Well," the blue-eyed thief started with a voice deeper than the ocean but thick with something Ashton couldn't place. Certainly wasn't anything good, though. " _I_ didn't do anything. Can't you remember?"

he questioned, to which he received a low groan as Ashton attempted to shake his head. "A few guys came. You were pretty angry, I guess, and told them to back off. One of them knocked you out, and another took my backpack as part of the deal. So thanks for that, guess I'll have to find another one," the boy explained with a shrug, standing up once more to his full height. From where Ashton was on the ground, the boy looked nothing short of a skyscraper in height. He remained silent, still wincing from the waves of pain when the other spoke again, softly, as if to himself and Ashton had disappeared. Or just wasn't important. "Not to mention the drugs. We only got half price, the fuckers." A sigh. Then he seemed to notice Ashton again and leaned down, putting something on the ground before taking a step back. "There's your phone, by the way."

Managing to roll onto his side, Ashton reached out numbly with one hand, fingertips quickly coming into contact with what he did assume to be what it was told to be. "You took my phone?" he asked, one eyebrow raised when his arm dropped, energy gone.

"Had to," came the answer, as if the most obvious thing ever before.

Ashton shot him one more quizzical look, noticing how his form paced back and forth, hand hitting his pocket in a rhythmic succession, as if keeping time by the slaps alone. "Right," he said, drawing out the single vowel longer in the word than need be. Using his elbows as leverage, he managed to prop himself up, pain rippling down his spine as he did so, nerves begging him to stop. He did nothing of the sort, however, continuing until he was in a sitting position. Looking about, he realized he was still in the alley he had confronted the other boy in. Perhaps a little deeper inside than he could last remember, but as long as he was still breathing he supposed he couldn't be doing too badly. He didn't see any trace of the bag that had started the trouble in the first place, though he couldn't help but question it. "They really took your bag?"

The blonde had been pacing from one side of the alley to the other, obviously waiting for something, evident by how he seemed to be keeping time. By the stiffness in his broad shoulders, Ashton could only assume it was not small deal. "Yeah."

"Everything in it? Drugs too?"

The blue eyes increased to a boiling temperature and turned on him for a moment. Then, a nod. "Yeah," he repeated, tersely. "Drugs too."

"Well, that's good."

Just as the taller boy opened his mouth to say something, footsteps set at a running pace broke him off, followed by a serious of shouts coming from one unseen and Ashton.

"Ashton! Where are you?" came the first shout, the speaker not in the alley but familiar without needing a face to it. 

"Cal!" Ashton shouted back. "Here! I'm here!"

A moment later, the face of a tanned boy came from the world outside, and Calum came into view. "Ash, there you are-" he broke himself off for a moment, brown eyes turning on the one with blue. "You're Luke?"

His words made the blonde nod once in reply, no words cutting through the air. He took a step back under Calum's hard stare. While on a usual day Ashton would relate his best friend to a puppy dog - all cuddles and big eyes - at the moment he certainly held more likeness to a guard dog. All teeth and malice. 

"Calum," Ashton said, and that caught the attention of both boys. The shorter of the two came to his side, sparing one more glance to the other boy before taking Ashton's hand.

"Can you stand?" he asked, eyes wide. 

Ashton brought his lips together in a single hard line of determination. "I can try," he muttered, and after a few recoils of pain and a world of support from his friend, Ashton managed to get up and stay on his feet, though he swayed slightly from the heavy dosage of pain.

What they hadn't noticed was that by the time they accomplished the task, the third shadow in the alley with blue eyes was no where to be found. Gone without a sound. 

"C'mon, let's get you home."

\--

Michael had merely gone about his work after Calum had left. He tended bar like any other night. Wiping glasses and serving drinks did become quite boring and repetitive after a few months. These days he swore that he remembered not one night to the next nor one customer from another. No, instead he remembered it all as one big blur. Perhaps it was better in this way. Besides, after everything... he quite liked the simplicity of it all. He'd had his complicated times and needed a break. At least while he could. There was just always something. Always. 

He paused his thoughts when a young couple came to rest at the edge of the bar. A young male with dark hair held the thin waist of a blonde girl with one hand, holding up two fingers with the other hand in a gesture Michael knew very well. On the cue, he nodded and pulled out two glasses as their mouths crashed together in a sloppy, biting kiss. 

Yes, just another night on the job. 

\--

_"Now boys, let's start from the beginning," the large man started. They always started in this way, Ashton had noticed after the first several times. It was always the beginning. Then the middle. Then the end._

_But, he wasn't sure if these men knew what the end was. The end of what, exactly? Well, he wasn't sure. It was never quite "over." It was still going on. He could tell what he knew, but he couldn't tell the end._

_He never said this allowed, though. No, they didn't want to hear anything but the events which had happened. The ones that made Calum cry. Not to mention Mrs. Hemmings and Mrs. Clifford. They cried a lot. He did too, Ashton realized after a moment. Because when he got really sad, he cried._

_He was supposed to be the leader. And he failed._

_Miserably._

_Calum sat beside him, brown eyes rimmed with red from the recent lack of sleep and near-constant flow of tears. However, he took the older boy's moment of silence as a cue that he should speak instead for once, his small voice cracking. "A-ash came over my house first. We picked Luke up, then Mikey and went t-to the park like we d-do everyday when we want to p-play games-"_

_After that, Ashton allowed his mind to go elsewhere. The chairs they were sitting in were uncomfortable, and his bum was already sore. The room was dimmed, and that reminded him of a movie he had seen his mum watching once. She had found him, though, and yelled at him for watching an adult movie. It was too "grown-up" apparently. He could still remember realizing she was right when there was a sudden burst of angry yelling and what sounded like firecrackers._

_He really didn't want there to be angry yelling or firecrackers here. That would only upset Calum more._

_Ashton really didn't like seeing his friend cry so much._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> be my friend on tumblr: xieagle


	7. UPDATE: not a chapter

alright, so i haven't touched this fix in a while, simply because i lost muse for it. however, i came across it recently and have decided to continue it. i will be rewriting it, as my writing has changed greatly, and i thought about a new direction to take it. once i have the first chapter or two rewritten, i will be deleting this and posting the new one in its place.

thank you for all the patience, i do hope you will all like the revised version

x danielle


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